As a reward for checking this far into the site, I've included this page. It's a funny piece that my Mum (of all people) gave me. There's a couple of funny pictures at the bottom of the page too.
Don't read on if A) You have no sense of humour, or B) You don't appreciate the inference of swear words (kinda ties in with A) though!!)
You kinda have to know something about the Glasgwegian sense of mind, and you'll also have to realise that this is a characature of us Glaswegians - we're not ALL like this!!
Chewbacca would look roughly the same, except he'd only be 5 feet tall, from Blackhill, and called Shug.
He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Celtic or Rangers top.
Obi-Wan-Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would call him "wanky nobby".
Darth Vader would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress "That dome heided bastard".
R2-D2 would refuse to go out onto the streets at night after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his casing, or pissing on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages, C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin' faced poof fae Newton Mearns"
The Millennium Falcon would have static stripes, tinted wind screens and extra- flared exhaust pipes. It would have a Daily Record "I love Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltaire (St Andrews Cross) bumper sticker.
Princess Leia Would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels, and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since the age of six.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be an all out attack, Two easy ways would be – 1) Alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton, and tell the locals that it was full of Roman Catholics. 2) Leave in unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film would be uttered in vernacular:-
Han Solo
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
(Ah'm shittin ma sel' here boy!)
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around"
(Come right ahead then c****! Fight the f***ing lot o ye!)
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny"
(The force?! D'youse think ah came doon wae the rain?!)
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Blaster at your side kid."
(Nae messin aboot wae the God squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter)
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker
"The Force is strong in this one"
(Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd)
Princess Leia
"You're a little short to be a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
(Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis)
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade"
(Wuv got nae chance in this pile o' shite)
Admiral Motti
"don't try to frighten us with your sorcerers ways, Lord Vader"
(You think yer that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!)
Obi Wan
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force"
(F*** me, whit wiz aw that?)
Luke to the Emperor
"Your overconfidence is your weakness"
(Oh ye bloody think so!!)
Along the same Star Wars vain, here's something else that tickled me.
There's apparently going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1... THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK EXTRA-SPECIAL EDITION INT BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down. DARTH VADER: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! DARTH VADER: No, Luke... I am your father! LUKE: No! It's not true! It's impossible. DARTH VADER: Search your feelings... you know it to be true... LUKE: NO! DARTH VADER: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? LUKE: Threepio? DARTH VADER: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was only 7 years old... LUKE: No... DARTH VADER: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no lightsaber, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp... LUKE: I destroyed your precious Death Star! DARTH VADER: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! LUKE: Well, it's not my fault... DARTH VADER: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!" LUKE: Shut up... DARTH VADER: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights! LUKE: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon! DARTH VADER: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby! (LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.) DARTH VADER: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine... (LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. DARTH VADER looks after him.) DARTH VADER: Get a haircut!
Hehe, click it, if you're a fan of Kevin Smith stuff like me, you'll love all this
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