I've sorted the FAQ. You'll find three tables below, with the corresponding questions. Hopefully it's easier to navigate now.

Under the tables are a couple of articles I've found on the net etc which are a) Interesting, or b) Funny.

Here we go then

EQUIPMENT FAQ

General FAQ

1) Bad Dj'ing Habits (From Dj Magazine)
2) A Hierarchy of the many levels of Dj'ing (from Wax magazine)
3) How To Be A SuperStar DJ (Satire)

. This first piece then, is a list of Bad Dj'ing Habits that I picked up from DJ magazine, (Vol.2 No.20) I think it was meant as humour, but does have a lot of points to consider!

BAD DJ'ING HABITS:-

• Being TOO polite to punters while in the mix, getting cigarette ash all over mixer and decks.
• Arriving at a club ten minutes before you're due to start performing.
• Fanning your face with your records (Even when it's not hot (copyright Graeme Park))
• Lending out your headphones (They'll either get broken or lost)
• Having that last herbal/chemical/alcoholic refreshment that proves to be one too many.
• Having that first co-ordination altering refreshment
• Licking your fingers before touching your vinyl
• Over using kill switches and effects units
• Leaving your slipmats/headphones at home
• Letting a clubber start a conversation with you as you think they are either going to book you or sleep with you - forget it!
• Listening to requests from the floor - even worse promising to play them - just say you left it at home
• Checking the pager or taking a call on your mobile while getting the next record out
• Wearing a wig - It always gets tangled in your headphones
• Putting your drink anywhere near your equipment and trusting it not to get knocked over - it always does
• Leaving a club with a promise from the promoter that he'll put a check in the mail in the morning
• Including in your set, a record that you've just been handed - it might sound fine, but after the first breakdown, it'll descend into something horrific
• Starting a Mexican wave, playing the tambourine, having sex or doing the Lambada behind the decks - the needle always gets knocked
• Going for a pee without leaving either your most trusted friend or a Rottweiler behind the decks
• Taking records out of their sleeves and propping them up ready to play - they always fall off
• Dj'ing in sarongs, nuns habits, gorilla costumes & drag - body parts unaccustomed to being exposed will unwittingly find themselves on display
• Smashing your records in anger on the floor if the mix doesn't work out
• Spending so much attention using equalisers and kills, that you don't realise the record has run out
• Giving Mr Friendly Punter your last £10 to buy himself and you a drink
• Inviting sexy punters behind the decks to watch you in action - they always bring at least three mates
• Picking your nose in public
  
  Of course this list seems to be aimed at the established DJ, a kind of in joke to those who have done it, and suffered. A lot of the stuff seems like fun (especially having sex behind the decks!!) So use your better judgment.
  

  ---

  
  
  

  Dj'ing Levels

  I got the idea for next bit from Wax magazine. They did a footballing analogy for all the different levels of Dj-dom. I originally re-wrote it and had it on my page, but I'm concerned about any copyright issues. It is all basic knowledge, but I do want make sure people know I got most of the info from WAX MAGAZINE. If anyone from there somehow reads this, and has a problem with this, mail me and we'll discuss.

  
  
  Anyway, the point of this is simply a way of helping you visualise your ambition. I've got the original article tacked onto the wall in front of my decks, and I cross off the ones I've jumped up from. I know it seems really childish, but it helps to keep you centered on what you are aiming for. Of course, this is only going to be a crappy little list for you, so I don't really see you printing it off at sticking it up, but at least it might help to see what stages you can go through on the way to the top!!
  
  I'll start from the top down. To all the overseas people checking out this site, you should recognise the top few Dj's, but as we get further down, you just have to trust me.
  
  I'm gonna put in a couple of pics beside each one eventually, but right now, as with the rest of this stuff, I just want it uploaded. All monetary value is an estimate, and is club work only, with the conversion into US dollars taken off the top of my head!!
  
  

  LEVEL 1

  
  This first level includes the likes of Oakenfold, Sasha, Pete Tong etc. They don't normally have a set fee, rather than have a figure written across their record bags, promoters are made to make these guys an offer. Not just a cheque either, most promoters must include details of transport, accommodation, and any other teasers to make sure they go to that club rather than one of the other multitude of clubs that want them. Because of their grandeur, these guy will only really play a couple of sets in a week:- Est. annual Income :- £750,000 ($1,200,000) (ish)
  
  

  LEVEL 2

  
  Examples of this level include Tall Paul, Judge Jules, Seb Fontaine, Jeremy Healy etc. Most of the time, their lives are spent sorting out records in the back of their car as they travel up and down the country, playing their massive amount of gigs they take on. Three or four gigs on a Friday and Saturday, with a Sunday not being the hallowed day for a DJ!!! If they like you, they may only charge about £1300 for a 2 hour set, but rates can reach as high as £5000. Summertime changes the transport to planes, as these Dj's fly back and forth to Ibiza (EBEETHA - NOT EYEBEEFA!!) Est earnings:- £500,000 ($750,000)
  
  

  LEVEL 3

  
  These are either the aspiring workaholics who are desperately seeking admission to the inner circle which promises such rich rewards, or they are dedicated, passionate muso types, who are happy to do a job they love and make a damned decent living out of it. Average earnings are £500-£1000 a gig, and examples include John 00 Fleming, Lisa Pin Up, Jim Shaft Ryan, Darren Stokes and Anne Savage. As they're not quite there yet, they work much harder to become successful, amassing almost as many gigs as their high-flying counterparts, coming an at anything from three-seven per weekend. Est Yr Inc. £200,000 (£350,000)
  
  

  Level 4

  
  These are the punters of the DJ profession, the ordinary geezers, girls who happen do be a dab hand when it comes to spinning tunes, and make a few quid by doing so. Likely to be extremely dedicated, and do it for the love of it, rather than the financial reward. While earnings per gig can average out to £250-£400, their eagerness can result in up to seven gigs a weekend. Most of the hardcore fraternity are included in this bracket, whereas practically all the members of the other divisions in this list are house jocks. Examples are Hixxy, Slipmatt, Sharkey, and just about every established Scottish/Irish house jockey. (BOO!! More Scottish Dj's please) Est Yr Inc. £91,000 ($150,000)
  
  

  Level 5

  
  Scraping the bottom of the barrel a bit here, with those who fancy themselves as a bit of a DJ, but haven't gotten very far yet. They'll do the odd gig for £100-£200 usually from a friend who's doing them a favour. They're around to bridge the gap between the warm up guy and the Guest/Resident, or they are there to fill out the flyer, without too much cost/ They'll get one gig a week - if they're lucky. Examples are hard to give, coz no-one remembers their names. Et Yr Inc. £3,900 ($5000)
  
  

  Level 6

  
  Wannabe Dj's struggling for a break really. These guys will play for £30 and a couple of beers, but generous club owners may pay up to £70 or so for the hour they spend warming up before the resident arrives, the doors open and people start to trickle in. Examples are nearly impossible to give, but go into any club, just after it's opened, and there you'll find one, grinning from ear to ear as he plays to a packed floor of two in his favourite club. Because they're cheap, and considered below residents, they will usually have a weekly residency. Est YR Inc £2,600 ($3,500)
  
  

  Level 7

  
  Nobodies. Bedroom Dj's who play at friends parties simply for the kudos, or maybe a few beers. Examples include at least one of your mates.
  
  I actually think they left a couple out in there. But I can't be bothered thinking up what they would be. Although they did leave out the trusty Pub Dj. It's a good way to get to the next rung. It's what I did anyway.
  
  
  
  

  How To Be A Superstar DJ

  I got this mailed out to me by a friend, I don't know where it came from, who the author is, or what, but I laughed, and included it. If anyone has any clues to who did it, please get in touch so I can get in touch with them.

  So, I've noticed a few things.
  
  As a DJ, there seems to be a lot of ways to draw attention to yourself. One of my favorite methods is to actually be talented at what you do. Being able to mix more than two tracks at once, knowing how to use a sampler in the booth, knowing what key a song is in and having a really innovative sense of rhythm can get you gigs all over the place. There is a difference, however, between just gigging and being a really famous Superstar DJ.
  
  I've worked with a lot of different DJs: some already famous, some just starting out who ended up getting famous. Among them, I've noticed common threads of behavior that contributed to their greatness. Be advised, however, that these steps are just suggestions. Just because they worked for some, does not mean they'll will work for you.
  
  (Personally, I neither endorse nor understand these practices, so proceed at your own discretion. Moreover, it's only slander if it's made up, so anyone recognizing themselves should bare that in mind before suing me and, on top of that, if you drag me into court, I'm just going to end up telling more of the stupid shit you've done.) Okay, here goes. There are three general categories each with several steps.
  
  

  I. DEVELOP A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR AUDIENCE

  
  People won't come and you won't get paid the big bucks unless everybody thinks you're cool.
  
  1. Stop playing in the middle of a set
  
  This is best done when you have a really full house. Find something to get mad over and rip the needle off the turntable and just walk out. Popular excuses are: too many ugly people on the dance floor, you've just been told that someone else at another club is playing a bootleg re-mix you did, someone has been sleeping with your girlfriend, you're coming down off your drugs and your dealer is the in that bathroom with someone else or your bodyguard is drunk again and won't go on stage.
  
  2. Play the worst music when the most people are there
  
  Never mind that you've packed the place with $30-a-head customers. They don't understand music anyway and who cares if they're funding your gig? If you're not in the mood to perform step one, this is the next best thing. Rip out a set of the most dissonant, obscure, scratching, skipping vinyl you can find. If you don't want to deal with all that mixing and choosing, just play a 45-minute loop of the "Theme From Mission Impossible." People love this and will just think you're being brilliant.
  
  3. Embarrass people by shining a spotlight on them
  
  This trick requires an elevated booth above the crowd. Don't worry, though. Once you're famous, club owners will build this for you. They already know they have to do it, so it's just one of the cool things you're going to get if you follow my advice. You will also need a victim. This is easier than you think. Simply identify someone with whom you have an illogical grudge. If you don't want to be bothered by this, just pick a random person who's looks you don't like and shine a really strong spotlight in their face all night. The person will either be flattered or annoyed. Either way, you're golden. If they try to come into your booth to either meet you or kick your ass, don't let them in. This trick is also a good setup for step one, above. Make sure you hurl this light from your booth into the middle of the crowd before you storm out. In the event you hurt someone, I suggest you have someone else ready to blame.
  
  4. Don't spin, play a DAT
  
  Get all sorts of complexities going at your station: three turn tables, a CD, a sampler and a drum pad. Work feverishly over all this, but make sure there's a mixed DAT someone else did running through the mixer. You're probably going to have to pull a 12-hour set, so these little breaks keep you fresh. This is also a good time to throw everybody out of the booth and go do a rain dance in your private bathroom with the dizzy blonde of the evening.
  
  

  II. DO REMIXES AND GET IN GOOD WITH THE LABELS

  
  This is absolutely paramount. Spinning records is not enough. Unless you're putting things out with your name on it, you'll never be a Superstar.
  
  1. Charge $40k for a re-mix and get some kid to do it for you for $800.
  
  This is used by some of the best in the business and can help you out a lot if you are not really a producer. Since you are going to be expected to re-mix, you'd better start finding someone to do it for you now. They should know what kind of music you spin and should be able to imitate this. You get to keep the big markup, and the kid won't bitch if you give him work on a steady basis. Don't give him too much, though. If he can actually eat regularly, he might start doing stuff on his own and leave you. Also make sure his name appears nowhere on the actual record. This could backfire on you in a hurry.
  
  2. If you really like something, bootleg it.
  
  Pretend you're Jonathan Peters and pretend you see a label owner in a club. You can pretend it's me if you want. Go up to him and tell him you really like one of his unreleased tracks -- hypothetically, say, Rickie Lee Jones. Ask him if you can give it a test spin on your radio mix show. This is important because it gives you credibility, and he will be less likely to suspect something sneaky. When he agrees, get over to his apartment the very next day and burn a DAT. When you get back to your house, make a mixed tape and sell it all over the place. If you want to press up some vinyl, call Down town 121 in New York. They'll do it for you. This is a good inexpensive way to make money and burn someone's track at the same time. Just in case the label owner is not mad enough, wait until he's at your club and play the track really sped-up. Rickie will sound like a chipmunk, and the record company will love you forever. If you don't want to go this route, get your hands on some one's Nanci Griffith acapellas and give them to Julian Marsh. He'll do a cheesy remix and stick it on a gay compilation. I can't promise he'll pay you, but it might be worth a shot.
  
  3. Start some gossip at Warner Brothers.
  
  Do a remix for somebody and get paid for it, preferably a record they are in the process of licensing from Warner Brothers. Then go back to them and do another. This time, hand in some shit that's out of time and sounds like two different radio stations playing at once. Get paid for that too, but tell the label you're getting evicted (and get a check made out directly to your landlord) promising to redo the record you just fucked up. Now, here's the most important part: don't redo the record. Right? You've already been paid. This puts you in a really cool position, because you can call Warner Brothers and say you never got paid for the first mix and are going to sue them if they issue the license to the dance label. If you don't want to use your own name, say you're Jerome Farley. If you don't know who to call at Warner Brothers, try Steve Lau at Kinetic Records. He's in the phone book, and I hear he'll make sure the word gets around.
  
  4. Run an ad that Dolly Parton is going to be at your club.
  
  This is best done before the re-mix is even finished. It will draw a lot of people and it's surely to get back to Dolly. That way she'll think the label is fucking with her and won't come when she really should.
  
  5. Play the shit out of a track as soon as you're done re-mixing it.
  
  Realize that release dates are sometimes months after recording is completed. This is important for a label because PR campaigns have to be coordinated. Magazines have long lead times. Artists might want to tour, so that also has to be considered. If you put a track on heavy rotation the minute you leave the studio, everybody will be sick to death of it by the time they can actually buy it.
  
  6. Start rumors about the label owner so other DJs won't like him.
  
  A good way to do this is put the word out that the label owner said "Danny Tenaglia looks like a goat" when all they really said was they had a dream he was guarding a gate from goats. While you're picking on Danny, have him tossed out if he comes to hear your set. It's much easier to pick a childish rivalry than to consider that he might just want to hear you spin. It also contributes to making yourself look important, which I shall address later.
  
  7. Show up at label owner's apartment at meal time.
  
  Dinner is best. Chances are he'll be going out to eat and will invite you because he wants you to do a re-mix. It's also good to bring a lot of people with you. If you don't know anyone who's hungry, give Roger Sanchez a call. He usually has a entourage and loves to eat. This also puts the label in a good mood for when you tell them you're going to need $20k up front to start the mix and another $20k upon completion.
  
  

  III. MAKE YOURSELF FEEL IMPORTANT

  
  This is good for everybody, even if you're not a DJ.
  
  1. Start your own label.
  
  After you get famous on the stuff everybody else has paid for, take some of that money and start a label. It doesn't matter if you have no distribution or never release anything. You can sign other people's material and never release it. It ties up their track and makes sure they'll never be any competition to you. Also, you can raise the price of your own remixes because you've now got an exclusive contract with your own phony label.
  
  2. Threaten to have people beat up.
  
  This starts a lot of talk on the streets and makes it look like you have Mafia connections. It will also keep other nosey DJs out of your club and from stealing your secrets.
  
  3. Inform your answering service, "If Madonna Calls, I'm Not Here."
  
  This is pretty safe because you haven't worked with her in years; she's not speaking to you anymore and she won't be calling anyway. What the hell? You can also leave a bunch of her paraphernalia strewn around your booth so people will think the two of you are best buds. It's a big name, so might as well exploit it and go sell some records.
  
  Okay, this should get you started. In no way is this a complete list of everything you have to do to be a Superstar DJ. Like I said before, be careful. Know too, how to do a lot of other things like:
  
  * HOW TO RUN A RECORD LABEL INTO THE GROUND
  
  * HOW TO BE A NIGHT CLUB OWNER AND NOT SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN JAIL
  
  * HOW TO EAT ENOUGH JELLY BABIES TO HALLUCINATE or "POKEMON: FRIEND OR FOE?"
  
  * HOW TO REINVENT CHER AFTER MORE THAN A DECADE OF MUSICAL OBSCURITY
  
  * HOW TO BE A BITCH DIVA
  
  * HOW TO WASTE A LOT OF MONEY YOU'LL NEVER RECOUP
  
  * HOW SEXUAL FAVORS CAN GET YOU A GOOD WRITE UP IN BILLBOARD
  
  * HOW TO SNEAK INTO THE ARISTA GRAMMY PARTY
  
  * HOW TO DEVELOP A HORNY FOLLOWING OF CLUB SLUTS
  
  * HOW TO THROW A CELEBRITY PARTY AND GET YOUR DESIGNER CLOTHES STOLEN
  
  Tell everyone your opinion!
  
  
  
  
  
  Hehe, click it, if you're a fan of Kevin Smith stuff like me, you'll love all this
  
  

  ---

  
  
  BACK TO TOP
  sex levis coke coca-cola